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Sasha Townsend |
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Sasha Townsend |
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Divorce Support for Youth
Two Reactions My goal is to inform people that (1) the children aren't fine, and (2) there is much that adults can do to help children through these transitions. The Pervasive Need
The New Social
Stigma Surrounding Divorce Children typically experience multiple losses post-divorce: the loss of their intact family, the loss of the daily presence of one of their parents, the loss of a home, a school, and a peer group, and the loss of the stability and security that allows children to branch out and take risks socially, because they know that in the end their parents will be there to care for them. As my sisters and I did, some will physicalize their anxiety because they don't know how to voice it. Others will act out and misbehave as they search for love and acceptance, and hope that their parents will notice them and care for them. Still others, like me, will act as if everything is fine while the pain of divorce lingers, only to resurface in adulthood as we try to find romantic life partners of our own. These are three broad ways that children attempt to cope with parental divorce, without the help of caring adults. But it doesn't have to be that way. We must recognize that children of divorce deserve our attention and that as adults we can help them. The time to help children of divorce is now.
The Pervasive
Need
Behavioral
Statistics
We Can Help ~ As
Individuals
Telling
Your Kids that You're Getting Divorced.
Avoiding a
High-Conflict
Divorce Remember that as long as the two parents have children together, while the marriage may end, you are tied together, for life, as the parents of your child or children. Please do what is in their best interest rather than acting on impulse in your interactions with each other. We expect siblings to get along and play nice with children they may not prefer to spend time with. Please set a good example for children by behaving civilly post-divorce. Here are the Children of Divorces' Bill of Rights and Children's Advice for Divorcing Parents.
Children of Divorces'
Bill of Rights When asked what advice school-age children at a Banana Splits meeting had for divorcing parents, here is the list the children came up with:
Child's Advice for Divorcing Parents To help your children through the transition of divorce, agree with your spouse to honor the child's bill of rights and consider the advice that children have for parents. Children deserve the opportunity to love both parents. By honoring these rights and wishes of children, you provide your child with every opportunity to have a healthy foundation in self-esteem and family-image, because he or she will have the safety and security of knowing that he or she comes from a loving family.
For parents,
educators, child care providers, and anyone who works with children:
Stages of Grief Be a compassionate listener. Let children know that their feelings are natural and that having a wide range of feelings about the divorce is okay. Offer your support, listen to what they are going through, be there for them immediately, and let the child know you will continue to be available to talk. Ask questions about how they are feeling, and reflect their feelings back to them. Empathize and validate the child's feelings. While children will later need guidance and advice, at first they need their feelings to be validated. Children need to feel accepted and understood by someone who will not judge them. Be careful not to criticize or give advice at this point. Instead, reflect back their feelings and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Let them know that there are many other children experiencing the same thing, that they are not alone (you are here to help them), and that while it does hurt now, it doesn't have to hurt forever. Address specific concerns of the child. If the child feels at fault, explain that he or she is not at fault. If the child feels that his or her behavior could bring the family back together, explain that there is no part of this decision that they are in any way responsible for. If the child feels ashamed that his family is broken and fears that other children won't play with him or her anymore because of it (this seems silly to adults, but is a common concern for children), reassure the child that his family is different than it was, and that while his family is not perfect, that no family is a perfect family. Reassure the child that they are just a valuable and special as they were before. Reassure the child that both parents will continue to support and care for him or her. And so on... Inform the child about what is happening to his or her family. Tell the children what to expect concerning new living arrangements, visitation, new schools or communities, etc. In addition to telling the child how things will change, explain to the child which aspects of life won't change - two loving parents, the same school, church, friends (if the child won't be moving), etc. Be a role model in dealing with unfamiliar feelings and emotions. Talk about times when you have experienced similar emotions (sadness, anger, etc) and how you have handled those emotions positively. Focus on the child's strengths and help the child understand the reasons behind his or her behavior. Help the child express feelings in healthy ways. Provide age appropriate help. Inform the child that grief will return in waves. Be available for further talks. Co-parent. Make decisions as a team regarding the children and continue to have a united front in making parenting decisions in front of the children. Do not undermine each other. Ultimately, this only hurts your children, no matter how "true" attacks on your ex-spouse may be. Children identify very closely with their parents. When one parent attacks the other, the child wonders, "Will I grow up to be that way?" Any attack on your former spouse is an attack on your child's self-image and family-image. Protect your child by working together to do what is best for the child. Be ready for a lifetime of conversations. Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and the birth of children may bring up old emotions for adult children of divorce, especially when both parents are expected to attend family gatherings. If you are not open to discussing these feelings because of animosity between you and your former spouse, be sure that your adult child has someone to talk to. Seek help. Your child may feel most comfortable talking with adult role models outside the home (including teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, volunteers, and child care providers). Parents, these individuals are your allies, not your enemies. At times, parents feel disappointed that the child is talking to other adults and not to them. As your child begins to open up about divorce outside the home, he or she will be more comfortable and more likely to open up and really talk about his or her feelings with you. Just be open to hearing whatever your children have to say, without judgment, and be available to talk when they are ready.
Recognizing
Severe Reactions & Behaviors Acting out or misbehaving is expected as children under stress are more likely to argue with their siblings and peers, and less likely to obey parents and caregivers. Extreme changes in behavior are a cry for help. In teens, promiscuity and ignoring curfews, extreme disrespect of authority figures, shoplifting and vandalism are examples of extreme behavior. This is a not a phase to be ignored. Youth with these kinds of severe reactions tend to be crying out for help, because they need (1) security, (2) attention, (3) power, or a sense of control over their lives, and (4) revenge - they want to hurt parents because the parents have hurt them. Understanding what these children and talking to them about why they are behaving as they are is a key in helping the child to exit these negative behavior patterns. Younger children who act out may be experiencing the same emotions but acting out in different ways. Extreme clinginess (for example, when a child becomes so attached to a babysitter that he or she won't allow the sitter to leave), children who are cruel to other children with no good reason, and extreme disrespect of authority figures are warning signs in school-age children. The best way to handle this is to express your concern for the child, express that you want to help, help the child understand the reasons for his or her behavior, and give the child healthier options to express the same emotions. Extreme fear reactions and anger reactions should be addressed as well. To help these hurting children and teens, we must teach them that their emotions, although natural, can be dealt with in healthier ways. Making "mad cookies", or cookies that 'taste better the more they are beaten', is one way that a parent can teach a child how to deal with anger in a healthy way. It is important that children learn that their emotions are not the enemy -- it's how we deal with them that matters. If we can teach children this important lesson, we have given them a gift that will last a lifetime.
We Can Help ~ As
a Community Through these programs, children meet on a weekly basis and participate in games and activities aimed at helping them understanding their new status as children of divorce and helping them to cope with the wide range of emotions they may be experiencing. As a sample of the types of activities children will participate in, see the list below. They also read books, like "It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear" and "Dinosaurs Divorce" and talk about the similarities between the stories in these books and what really happens to kids in their families. As children attend group meetings, they see tangibly that they are not alone. They come to the group to help others and to receive help. They benefit not only from the information presented but also from the presence and understanding of their peers. Children attend voluntarily and can come back to the group when dealing with new transitions. For example, a child may participate for a while and then decide not participate anymore. Later the child may return to the group when mom or dad is remarrying because they want help with this new family transition. These groups are not just for children of divorce, but for any child who feels the loss of a parent figure. Children who have lost a parent to death, or to incarceration, or children who have never known their fathers or mothers can all benefit from the group. The children relate to the children's loss of a loved one whether it's due to divorce, to death, or some other situation. Here are three divorce support options for youth:
Help from Mrs.
Oklahoma International If you need help with fundraising, or if you need to get materials for the program donated, or if you need help getting the word out to parents at your child's school and you just don't know where to start, let me know and we'll work together to get the children in your community the help they need. I am passionate about helping children of divorce and I believe that divorce support programming is the best way to help. During my year as Mrs. Oklahoma, I hope to establish as many programs as possible. I want the divorce culture to change and I want children to receive the help they need long after the crown has left my head. Please email me at MrsOklahoma2008@gmail.com and we will exchange phone numbers and get to work to help the children in your community. ~ SMPT
Games & Activities Graffiti Wall. One wall of the room is covered with construction paper. At the beginning of the meeting, children can write whatever they have been feeling lately. They do this anonymously. Then others can respond by writing what they would do in that situation. The facilitator goes through the responses and discusses healthy ways to deal with situations and feelings versus destructive ways to deal with situations and feelings. Feelings Charades. Start with a discussion about different kinds of feelings. Bring out the "How are you feeling today?" poster and talk about the adjectives on the list. Then each child writes down a feeling and they take turns choosing one and acting it out while the others try to guess which feeling it is. Use the different guesses to point out that the best way to communicate how you feel is to tell someone. Communication: How to
Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Each child writes how to make
a PBJ sandwich, and then the group facilitator tries to make the
sandwiches following the directions literally. The point of the exercise
is to show that sometimes even when we think we're communicating clearly,
the other person may not understand. Children then learn how to rephrase
and reflect back so that they can be sure they understand each other and
feel understood. (Active listening lesson) Adults, we are helping children understand what is happening at home, giving them the tools to deal with their new family status, teaching them that parents and other caring adults are here to help them, and in sum, we are helping them move beyond divorce and meet their potential on the playground and in the classroom, on the athletic fields and in their relationships. This is one of the greatest gifts that we can give hurting children.
Books and Other Resources |
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